It's too close to call.
Who's the biggest asshole in your family? In mine, it's a close race, and I really couldn't tell you. I did, however, run across an old e-mail that gave the Wife-Creature a few extra points. At one point, when I was desparately trying to get some of my siblings to occasionally show an interest in Dad, she responded thusly:
Paul does, and has done, and will do, what he can. HE LIVES 20 MILES AWAY. ACROSS A BAY. AND WORKS 14 HOUR DAYS. AND DOES NOT LIVE WITH YOUR FATHER, AS YOU HAVE *ELECTED* TO DO. Yes, I'm shouting - I'm hoping against hope and experience to reach the tiny, self-pitying Reality of Roger the Martyr.
Mind you, at the time, I was (and still am) working 35 miles away, across that same bay, and working just as many hours. I was living with Dad, it is true, because I had bought the folks' house so they wouldn't end up on the street. After Mom died, it made sense that I move in with Dad to help take care of him, rather than to continue paying the mortgage and rent on a separate place.
That job I was doing in Walnut Creek (remember the 35 miles away bit?) was one that I took only after consulting with the rest of the siblings. They all agreed that I should take the job and concentrate on earning money to support Dad and leave the caretaking to the other siblings who didn't make anywhere near as much as I do. Denise (the Wife-Creature) was in on that meeting, and agreed with everyone else.
Earlier in the e-mail, she rants about the decision not to put Dad in a home:
YOU chose the at home option; no-one else was consulted. YOU set this situation up and refused to accept any input - the social worker and I, when he broke his hip, were trying to get him into a good home but you and Bricca blew it.
Bricca, was Dr. Carl Bricca, Dad's doctor at the time. He had been for many years, and his care of Dad was outstanding, including making visits outside of his office and calling to check up on him. I don't know that Dr. Bricca was really involved in the decision to keep Dad at home, rather than stuffing him away in a nursing home, but he was almost certainly consulted as to the viability of doing so. For those not involved in caretaking, (like the Wife-Creature,) the current thinking is to keep people in their own homes and as independent as long as possible. It extends their lives, and makes their remaining years more enjoyable.
As it turned out, keeping Dad at home was the best choice (in spite of the putzes' claims to the opposite) since he was able to experience a lot of things (including regular concerts, classes, and other outings) which he truly enjoyed. At one point, Paul suggested that I ought to quit ABACUS, the one regular activity that I hadn't quit, in order to spend more time with Dad. Surprise for Paul, Dad actually went to the ABACUS meetings with me, where he was welcomed and treated as an equal. Even now, people still ask about him.
I responded by suggesting that perhaps Paul should quit his little singing group, resign his duties with CASA, or perhaps scale back his extensive usenet and mailing list postings. He agreed, that he should, and said he was going to quit CASA -- that hasn't happened yet.
Paul once claimed that putting Dad in a home would let him and the other putzes visit more often, since they wouldn't have to worry about me, or making arrangements with me. Unfortunately, that argument has been proven false, since for the almost year and a half that Dad has been in the Jewish Home, the ElderPutz has visited twice, maybe three times.
I got a call from him the other day that started out "I assume you're taking Dad for thanksgiving..." and quickly changed the subject. The message there was that I should take Dad to my place for a nice Thanksgiving dinner, so he wouldn't have to.
Perhaps it would be better if I didn't go rooting around my old e-mail folders -- it would certainly keep my blood pressure down!