After writing that last entry, I talked to my shrink, and he suggested that I was being excessively negative, focusing on the bad things that happened, rather than the good. So, I'm trying to "accentuate the positive", so to speak.
One of the things I've been working on in therapy is a project to identify my life's mission statement. Okay, it sounds stupid, but since I've sorta been wandering around without any real direction, this addresses one of my big issues. And it's not as hokey as it sounds.
Anyway, one of the tasks is to answer a bunch of questions -- some very hard questions. The first asked what I was proud of. All I could come up with was my crawl stroke. I thought this was a pretty insignificant thing to be proud of, when there are people who are proud of having invented something, or having travelled all over Europe in a microbus, or whatever.
Dr. Brusman, however, said he thought that that was something quite different and interesting. He said he hears the other things all the time, but that being proud of one's swimming ability is unique and not surprising, given my predeliction for water.
Of course, it wasn't until I was on my way home that I thought of something else I'm proud of -- some of my web sites. (Especially the Young People's Teen Musical Theatre Company, my classic computers site, and a few others.
Anyway, we talked about one of the other questions, "What do you like about yourself?" This was another tough one for me. It's not that I don't like myself, but that I couldn't identify anything in particular that I especially liked. Dr. Brusman suggested that perhaps I liked that I visited my dad all the time and did other caring things, but I explained that I didn't think that that qualified -- it would be like saying I like that I remember to breathe, or that I don't go around punching people.
In the end, we did come up with four things I can honestly say I like about myself. They are:
That first one was difficult to get out because, while I do believe that I am far more intelligent that most people, I do not want to belittle them for their lesser smarts, nor intimate that I am a better person because of it.
On the way home, I got to thinking about what the doctor had said about being proud of my swimming ability making sense for me. We had talked about my love of water, though I wasn't able to figure out the why of it. I am definitely into water, and came up with a short list of things I have done to be near/on/in water:
There are probably more that I'm just not thinking of at the moment. The last two on the list I've only done once each, but I would definitely love to get into them more. I mentioned in therapy that I had wanted to get into sea kayaking for quite a while, and was asked why I hadn't. I still haven't come up with an answer for that.
Anyway, I came up with what I think are the three most important things in my life, the things that I kinda need to be happy. They are (in no particular order):
Music isn't so surprising, considering my youth -- we had two pianos, half a dozen violins, and numerous other instruments in the house. My dad always had the opera on, or at least some sort of classical music. My mom was studying to be a concert pianist at one point. I was in the Boys Chorus, and took violin lessons. I didn't know there was any kind of music other than classical and opera until I was about 12, but once I found Disco, Rock, Country, Space, etc., I was hooked.
Technology is extremely exciting to me, as lazy as I am -- especially applications that make life easier or eliminate drudgery. I get moist even just thinking about a program that would make it easy to process the monthly book orders from all the kids that teachers have to deal with each month.
Quicken is definitely a killer app, and I get all gooey inside thinking about a robot that could wander around a nursing home checking on residents, freeing up the staff to care for their minds as well as their bodies.
I still have this naive little dream that someday, all the drudge work in the world will be done by machines, freeing up humans to be artistic and creative, in whatever way they want. I'd like to see a time when painters will be able to paint, musicians will be able to play, cooks will be able to run a restaurant, and parents will be able to spend as much time with their kids as they want, because there will be an abundance of free food, planted, tended, harvested, transported, and prepared by machines.
I'd like to see robots take over for janitors, so that they can work at their children's schools, instead. If automated machines picked fruits and vegetables, the migrant workers who do that now could instead design new and challenging games, or write poetry. Here's a quick and near future example: each day, my dentist's office manager calls the patients who have an appointment scheduled the next day to remind them. A computerized scheduling program could, instead, send an e-mail to all the patients scheduled for the next day, freeing up the office manager to chat with patients waiting for their appointment. Heck, the voicemail system I've used for nearly 10 years could call the patients automatically and play back a pre-recorded message to remind them. This is the sort of application that really gets me excited.
In other news, I got an e-mail from StarKitten, the maintainer of the San Francisco Bay Area Journals not-a-webring, commenting that I had not updated my journal in quite a while. She was right, of course. And so I thought I'd take the opportunity to post a description of the folks in, and out, of my life.
Dad - aka Herman, aka Mr. Sinasohn. Now living at the Jewish Home for the Aged, after a major stroke a year ago. Probably the person I spend the most time with, after Rachel. (btw, if you hadn't heard, my mom passed away in January of '96.) Turns out he can read and understand Hebrew. Go figure. Stubborn as ever, and subscribes to Playboy (since '96.)
Rachel - aka Miss Grilley, aka the ol' ball and chain. Did the honorable thing last year after 10 years of stringing her along. School teacher extraordinaire, tap dancer.
Craig - aka my ex-roommate. Craig is Rachel's older (by 363 days) brother. We met in an explorer post (kind of like advanced, co-ed boy scouts). Lived together for 8+ years, and probably still would be if my mom hadn't passed on. Another computer programmer -- we worked together back in the mid 80's too.
Johnny - Rachel and Craig's older brother (by 6-7 years). Computer Operator. Now living with us, after his landlord's brother decided to move into the house they were renting. (This is the third time the brother has moved in when the market rates went up faster than rent controlled increases.)
Gemma - Johnny's wife, born in the Philippines. (in Gimba, if you're curious.) Loves to clean and cook, works at BofA processing deposits and such. Mother of (with Johnny) Cassie and Jake.
Cassandra - aka Cassie. Age 5, reading already (helps to have a teacher in the house), and the star of the Jewish Home. Learning to swim (neither of her parents can) and isn't afraid of much. Very fond of Jake.
Jacob - aka Jake. about 5 months, he missed leap day by 1 day. Laughs a lot, throws up a lot, eats a lot, poops a lot. Doesn't do much else.
Scotty - Quite possibly the best Land Rover mechanic in the US. Known especially for his Chevy adapters to allow putting a Chevrolet engine into a series Land Rover.
Del - Gamesman, computer user, newsletter editor, former teacher, Del is many things. Has more CD's than I do. Hosts Games night a couple of times a month, and is a dedicated member of ABACUS. Married to Billie, another gameplayer.
Daniel and Julia - RoverFolk, recently returned from their second trip to za -- South Africa -- this time with the kids. Of course, they traveled in a Land Rover. And picked one up over there as well, an ex-military Range Rover ambulance.
Mike - Old friend from high school. Doesn't matter how long it's been since we've seen each other, we're still the best of buds. Wanted to play with nuclear subs, and so that's what he does. Great guitarist, and fencer. More kids than Carter's got pills, and loves them.
Phil - Another old friend from high school. Now on the east coast, with kids, doing the boy scout bit and all. Three cheers for email!
Harry - Harry and I originally met in ceramics class at City College. We subsequently got into roller skating, biking, tap dancing, and exploring new foods. A great ceramicist, haircutter, and flutist. Taught me a lot about cooking, and not sticking to what's familiar and known.
Mike - This Mike is a contractor and occasionally works on our house. Also working on Bayside Advertising, an inovative advertising company. Mike is an Irishman who wants to move back to Japan. Go figure.
Paul - aka the ElderPutz. Biologically, my older brother. Full of himself and uninterested in others. Lives too far away -- Oakland -- to visit my Dad more than twice a year. But, he wants Dad's opera photos because he knows collectors who will pay a lot for them. Working as a tech writer. Married to the Wife-Creature.
Stanley - aka the MegaPutz. Younger brother. Con artist extraordinaire, he's more interested in himself than the entire rest of the world is interested in anything else. Owes me at least $10,000; there's more that I didn't keep track of. Has visited Dad exactly once -- lives in San Jose where he's making a lot of money as a tech writer.
Barbara - aka the Happy Homemaker. The older of my sisters. Desperately wants to control -er, get married. Thinks she can cook and clean, without ever really having learned how. The most honest of the bunch, she has maintained all along that she doesn't want to visit Dad, and has lived up to her word.
Rita - aka the Witch. The youngest, and possibly the most screwed up. Was the one arguing with my mom when she died. Decided she hated me because the reason I let her live with me, bought her a car, took time off to film her riding lessons, etc was to get her to help take care of Dad. Visits Dad once a month or so.
That's about it. If I've forgotten anyone, I apologize; it's just that I have a horrible memory. Rachel and I don't have kids, but she definitely wants 'em. (She is doing everything but taking notes anytime John or Gemma do something with the baby.) She's working on her masters at the moment, but next summer she's got kids scheduled. Sara Diane if a girl, Herman Israel if a boy (and yes, I know you're not supposed to name a kid after someone until they're dead, but I've never been one for superstition.)