Uncle Roger's
Notebooks of Daily Life

I have a problem.

My friend Daniel pointed it out to me the other day. To paraphrase his comments, whereas it's okay to bend over backwards to help people, I have a propensity to bend over forwards.

It seems that I have a history of doing something (or things) really nice for someone, then when they turn around and screw me, I get upset about it. He pointed out some blatant examples: My brother Stanley ($10K+++), my sister Rita ($5K + time), and most recently, an acquaintance who lived with me for a while, rent-free, with barely even a thank you.

On a related note, the theory has been proposed that the reason my siblings are so upset with me is that all their lives they have relied on me completely for whatever they needed. From multiple sleeping bags to rent money, computer assistance to finding jobs for them.

Now, however, I have other responsibilities and not the disposable income or available time they are used to. This pisses them off royally.

You see, I have certain behavioral expectations of people. That is, I expect them to behave a certain way. When they don't, I get upset.

So, what are these excessive expections? Well, things like, returning things (or money) that you borrow, being at least somewhat appreciative when someone does something nice for you, or at the very least, being generally honest.

To me, these don't seem like unreasonable requests. That's the way I am; I don't see why others would have such a hard time doing the same.

My siblings, especially, I expect these from, as they, at least, were raised the same as I was, wherein these qualities were important. This makes it hard to comprehend how a Jesus-freak could actually steal from a church.

So the pattern is that I do something nice for someone, expecting them to be honest, or perhaps even appreciative -- and they turn around and screw me for a little bit more. Generally, for small things, I let it go. Occasionally, I wish harm upon them. In a few cases, I may even exact some sort of "punishment" when the time is right.

So it would seem that the obvious solution is to alter the behavior that causes the whole mess -- lower my expectations of others.

I can certainly see that by making the assumption that people are greedy, self-centered, opportunistic liars I can avoid any problems. Rarely would I be proven wrong. However, I can also see that that would be a pretty sad way to live.

More importantly, it would preclude the joy of meeting and experiencing many of the characters that make life an ecstasy of adventure. It is through exposure to the extraordinary diversity of personalities that we truly become alive. Without this, we might as well be living by ourselves in a cave in the mountains.

So while I have had some serious disappointments, I think I will continue as I have, often making the mistake of over-rating someone, but in return, garnering a few gems of relationships and experiences along the way.